Land of Hope and Glory? (2020/21)  Transcript

Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW. More fucking lies. Just a spoonful of sugar. Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. Keep calm and carry on dear. All this grandeur surrounding this stuff is an attachment I don’t personally have. We’re British, we’re polite, but fuck off. If you’re going through hell, keep going. The less people know about what is going on, the easier it is to wield power and authority. Inequality is the price worth paying for growth. Especially in Britain, people want to limit you. Things can only get better. Buy more shit or we’re all fucked. If only Diana was alive. I’m so patriotic. I think every British kid should have a chance to grow up to be head of state. Grenfell. I know I have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a king. Britain is the only colony in the British Empire and it’s up to us to liberate ourselves. Chumocracy. Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves. Britons never shall be slaves. I’m not too bad. They think it’s all over, it is now. Nothing bad could happen in John Lewis. Save our N.H.S. The audacity has been amazing. No more fucking lockdowns, let the bodies pile high in their thousands. What have you done today to make you feel proud? Edward Colston tripped and fell. I think it has something to do with being British, we don’t take ourselves too seriously. With the greatest respect. Kill the bill. Welcome to the disunited kingdom. Eat out to help out. We’ll meet again, don’t know where, don’t know when but I know we’ll meet again some sunny day. If you’re not angry you’re not paying attention. Britain’s such a twisted, weird little place. 4am queuing at Next. There’s nothing like a jolly good disaster to get people to start doing something. Traitors to democracy. Going to Pizza Express in Woking is a very unusual thing for me to do. Believe in Britain. Patriotism and intelligence will have to come together again. Napier. Human beings are not tolerated. Vanity of the government minister and his props. Windrush. I declare before you that my whole life, whether it be long or short, shall be devoted to your service of our great imperial family to which we all belong. If I were reincarnated I would wish to be returned to earth as a killer virus to lower the population. It has turned out to be an annus horribilis. Don’t blame me, I voted remain. I just didn’t want to live anymore. Toxic tabloid culture. I’d prefer to see the human rights act go. Land of hope and glory, mother of the free. God save the Queen, the facist regime. 

Selected quotes include - Boris Johnson / Mary Poppins / Meghan Markle / Winston Churchill / D:Ream / Johann Hari / Elizabeth 1st / Tony Benn / Kenneth Wolstenholme / Sir David King / Heather Small / Joan Collins / Dame Vera Lynn / Bill Bryson / Daily Mail / Prince Andrew / George Orwell / The Queen / Prince Philip / Theresa May / Sex Pistols.

Make America Great Again? (2020/21)  Transcript 

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands. One nation under god indivisible with liberty and justice for all. Every disaster movie starts with the government ignoring the scientists. Make America great again. Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it and eventually they’ll believe it. No amount of evidence will ever persuade an idiot. We have come to live in a society based on insults, on lies and things that just aren’t true. It’s created an environment where deranged people feel empowered. We need leaders, not in love with money but with justice. Not in love with publicity but in love with humanity. Fake news. Religious freedom doesn’t mean you can force others to live by your own beliefs. The only minority hurting America is the rich. If fertilized eggs are “people” and refugees aren’t then we have a problem. Please, I can’t breath. Fight for the things you care about but do it a way that will lead others to join you. Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong? I think everyone should be nice to everyone. You’re fired. Everyone is relying on us. The whole world is relying on us. I’m afraid of Americans, I’m afraid of the world. Stop the count. Our democracy needs us more than ever. To make progress we must stop treating our opponents as our enemy. Enjoy Coke. If the fetus you save is gay will you continue to protect its rights? Build the wall. No facemasks allowed in store. Lower your mask or go somewhere else. Say her name. Everything he lacks he makes up in denial. I won the election by a lot. Flint. Let this grim era of demonization in America begin to end here and now. Wounded knee. I don’t get it, what was in it for them? Southern trees bare strange fruit. Trial by combat. I believe I conducted myself legally and ethically. Blackwater pardons. Pro life, pro god, pro gun. A riot is the language of the unheard. It was sort of good television. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Abuse of power should come as no surprise. Stop tweeting. God prefers kind atheists to hateful Christians. N.F.A.C. America isn’t a country, it’s a business. Carol fuckin Baskin. If I die in a school shooting, leave my body on the steps of congress. Someone needs to explain to me why wanting to drink clean water makes you an activist. Politicial language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable. Go out into the world and fuck it up beautifully. Count every vote. Nobody wants to see that. America will never be destroyed from the outside, if we falter and lose our freedom it will be because we destroyed ourselves. Why should I go to that cemetery, it’s filled with losers. Weakness is pointing your finger at someone else during a time of crisis. #proudboys , QANON. I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and literally shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose votes. I’ll give you my gun when you pry it from my cold dead hands. You can always count on America to do the right thing, after they’ve tried everything else. We will be ending the AIDS epidemic and curing childhood cancer shortly. Money makes the world go wrong. Welcome to the Hotel California, such a lovely place. There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right about America. 

Selected quotes include - Donald Trump / Adolf Hitler / Mark Twain / Colin Powell / Martin Luther King Jr / Barack Obama / George Floyd / Ruth Bader Ginsburg / Andy Warhol / David Bowie / Joe Biden / The Offspring / Nina Simone / Rudy Guiliani / Kathe Sackler / George Carlin / Joe Exotic / Winona Laduke / George Orwell / John Waters / Abraham Lincoln / Winston Churchill / The Eagles / Bill Clinton.